Article - Laura Knight-Jadczyk
From my own perspective, I understood Frank's desperate need to be all-powerful and in control of something - anything. Throughout all of the past nine years, I hoped that if we persevered in our acceptance of him and his many quirks, that he would eventually learn by osmosis to just be himself as a part of a group of friendly souls who neither wanted to control, nor be controlled. I also thought that he wanted to know the truth more than he wanted to live in illusion. I believed that this love of truth, whatever it turned out to be, and however painful it might be to face it, even if it meant completely eliminating our own personal wants and desires, would win in the end; that Frank was as motivated as I was to discover it.
Because of the fact that I knew Frank was under almost constant "internal attack," I became very protective of him, constantly looking for ways and means to encourage him to branch out a little in the "real world" and try something new. I wanted to see him have positive experiences, to develop a new circuit where he could regard other human beings as equal seekers on their many paths; to stop having to feel so defensive. It was this defensiveness that led to the endless hours and hours of descriptions he would give of how horribly he had been treated by this person or that person. Most of these issues had to do with what can only be described as severe homophobia. Frank was utterly convinced that people thought he was gay, and this enraged and horrified him.
While there was certainly some truth to this idea, as the reader of Amazing Grace will already know, I decided that if Frank was afraid of it, if it was a problem in his own mind, then certainly we could find a way to deal with it effectively. We had many discussions about it, all of which centered around the fact that Frank had seen himself in a video, and it had been a shock for him to realize that many of his gestures and movements were obviously "feminine." Once he came to that decision, he became even more self-conscious and attempted to compensate for it, which only resulted in worsening the problem because then he became unnaturally stiff and jerky in his physical motions which was jarring to strangers. All of this contributed to his reclusiveness, the many, many hours spent alone, or watching football or videos, during which he brooded on the unfairness of his existence in the world.
I was worried. I wanted to help.
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